odelia|JAY;

Gone.

A couple weeks of going a little easier on myself paid off. Lost another 1.2 pounds.

6 lbs away from my goal.

Until staging.

I finally got my first staging related e-mail yesterday. It’s still surreal & I’m still wrapping my brain around the reality of it all.

In my head, i laugh at all of those people who said I had so much time to prepare. Time is moving quickly & I’m happy because I can say I got most of my shopping done 2 months out.

I’m going to Ethiopia y’all! & it’s gonna be amazing.

—o.JAY

when i was heavier everyone had something to say,
“you’re getting big.” “what happened?” “you okay?”

now that I’m lighter they’re still talking,
“i liked you better bigger.” “damn you skinny.” “atleast you still got your ass and hips”

how’s about you not worry about me & mine? 
either way it goes, you can’t have a piece so why trouble yourself over how big the pie is? 

#damn.

a ninja can’t even get comfortable in her own skin without commentary from the peanut gallery.

that’s EXACTLY what I feel like it right now

& I’m talking about the baby kind. 

the putrid psychedelic green stuff — not the black mess that doesn’t smell like anything when they first get their bowels going either.

the same day i choose to turn in my resignation is the day my supervisor decides to:

• tell me about a gift he forgot at home that he’s giving me for my hard work,
• make plans to treat me out to lunch at some hella pricey restaurant next week,
• apologize for being a dick,
• have his damn computer and phone crash,
• spend time training me,
• actually express his gratitude for my performance here, 
• & confide in me about a couple of his family and work issues.

can we say guilty? 

I know I shouldn’t feel that way. I’m young, I have my whole life ahead of me. One that a generic 9-to-5 is only part of for a season.

I’m quitting because I want to help the world. I’m quitting because I leave in 53 days and I have crap to take care of, people to see, places to go, things to do and buy. I’m quitting because I have a brain and a spirit — both of which should be able to breathe and run amuck where ever I am. They shouldn’t be persecuted by the mundane/mouse-in-a-wheel type of environment I succumb myself to everytime I walk through this damn office door. 

A career should not be a revolving door, It should be a ladder — one that GOES some-damn-where that involves fulfillment and some sort of joy. 

call me crazy but i want something out of life. 

I’m grateful for my job but it’s time for me to go.

but when i drop this bomb at 6 pm it’s not going to be pretty up in here and I feel hella bad about it. 

Lawd,

—o.JAY

that number represents the amount of pounds that I’ve lost to date.

I know I’ve talked about this before but it still bothers me. 

I was big, living inside of my own body, looking at myself everyday in the mirror. How did I not know?

I have so many conflicting emotions about this. I don’t even know if I’m proud of myself for getting here.

because—again—I shouldn’t have HAD to get here in the first damn place. 

What I do know is that I still have a little ways to go.

&, by God, I’m going to get there.

—o.JAY

so… tomorrow is the beginning of another month. i’ve already got my workouts written down for the next 30 days.

took my measurements today. 

weighed myself.

i was pleased

but i still wasn’t satisfied.

i know that it’s bad to self-bash but i guess i’m just hard on myself because I feel like my body deserves the best. it’s done nothing but protect me, carry my soul, and has done pretty well considering all of the wear-and-tear i’ve put it through. 

April is officially “The Month of the Grind.”

i’ll be in beast-mode. 

i have some goals that i haven’t quite reached yet. 

—o.JAY

my tumblr feed has become a political and social battlefield.

a part of me likes it — us talking about our problems. Me being able to see different sides.

another part of me doesn’t — it takes an overwhelming toll on the mind and the spirit. makes me feel a heaviness that I can’t even begin to explain.

the reality of the world is a scary.

& i’m not gonna feel like a slut

& i’m not gonna care about what everyone else might say

& i’m not gonna slander my body before everyone else can so it’ll hurt less if they have something negative to say.

& i’m not gonna chicken out

& i’m not gonna cry

i’m gonna shine damn it!

the remedy?: we need to do our own research… write our own books… stop doing the listening and start doing the telling.

—o.JAY [via twitter@jajaBEAN]

yeah… in that photo i posted yesterday — the one i took the day i graduated — i was about 180 lbs. shocking right?

i can’t believe i just admitted that. but yeah, i’ve always been pretty solid… thankfully, I carry weight REALLY well because I’m only 5’5”. but I wasn’t happy and i wasn’t healthy. how’d i get there?: stress.

it kills… seriously.

i should be excited but i think it’s kind of embarrassing. 

which clearly explains why i posted this on tumblr for all of the world to see. -__-

i should’ve never had that much damn weight to lose in the first place…

and i still have more to take off…

wait. did i just refer to fat like it’s some sort of garment i can shed or slide into whenever i please? — then again. it kind of is…

i’m low-key ashamed.

let me go.

#mixedfeelings

I’m starting to become comfy in mine again. 

Thank You, God. 

=)

never the reverse.