odelia|JAY;

at this point, i’m convinced i’ll never have ‘em…

-__-

i mean, i’m fine with the flat tum-tum and the cooler [outline] i have now but I’d really like to put a little four-pack in there. 

sigh.

any advice?

will i EVER have them?

lol.

i def have a cooler, just don’t have any cans in it yet…

My tummy is flat but it’d be nice to see some definition.

Problem is, I think I’d have to lose another 10-15 pounds for that [y’know, fat percentage and all that jazz]. O_O

[sighs]

i don’t want to be skinny. -__-

suggestions?

Gone.

A couple weeks of going a little easier on myself paid off. Lost another 1.2 pounds.

6 lbs away from my goal.

when i was heavier everyone had something to say,
“you’re getting big.” “what happened?” “you okay?”

now that I’m lighter they’re still talking,
“i liked you better bigger.” “damn you skinny.” “atleast you still got your ass and hips”

how’s about you not worry about me & mine? 
either way it goes, you can’t have a piece so why trouble yourself over how big the pie is? 

#damn.

a ninja can’t even get comfortable in her own skin without commentary from the peanut gallery.

that number represents the amount of pounds that I’ve lost to date.

I know I’ve talked about this before but it still bothers me. 

I was big, living inside of my own body, looking at myself everyday in the mirror. How did I not know?

I have so many conflicting emotions about this. I don’t even know if I’m proud of myself for getting here.

because—again—I shouldn’t have HAD to get here in the first damn place. 

What I do know is that I still have a little ways to go.

&, by God, I’m going to get there.

—o.JAY

if you ask yourself any variation of those questions after a workout then you know it was a good one.

my body is weeping tears of joy.

#nomercy.

so… tomorrow is the beginning of another month. i’ve already got my workouts written down for the next 30 days.

took my measurements today. 

weighed myself.

i was pleased

but i still wasn’t satisfied.

i know that it’s bad to self-bash but i guess i’m just hard on myself because I feel like my body deserves the best. it’s done nothing but protect me, carry my soul, and has done pretty well considering all of the wear-and-tear i’ve put it through. 

April is officially “The Month of the Grind.”

i’ll be in beast-mode. 

i have some goals that i haven’t quite reached yet. 

—o.JAY

succeeding >

& still don’t but i got up this morning & ran a 10:58 min mile before heading to work anyway.

Haven’t ran a mile in under 11 minutes since flag-football conditioning season in high school. 

That was almost 6 years ago. 

#boss.

especially when you used to hate the THOUGHT of even running.

yeah… in that photo i posted yesterday — the one i took the day i graduated — i was about 180 lbs. shocking right?

i can’t believe i just admitted that. but yeah, i’ve always been pretty solid… thankfully, I carry weight REALLY well because I’m only 5’5”. but I wasn’t happy and i wasn’t healthy. how’d i get there?: stress.

it kills… seriously.

i should be excited but i think it’s kind of embarrassing. 

which clearly explains why i posted this on tumblr for all of the world to see. -__-

i should’ve never had that much damn weight to lose in the first place…

and i still have more to take off…

wait. did i just refer to fat like it’s some sort of garment i can shed or slide into whenever i please? — then again. it kind of is…

i’m low-key ashamed.

let me go.

#mixedfeelings